“I feel unspeakably lonely. And I feel - drained. It is a blank state of mind and soul I cannot describe to you as I think it would not make any difference. Also it is a very private feeling I have - that of melting into a perpetual nervous breakdown. I am often questioning myself what I further want to do, who I further wish to be; which parts of me, exactly, are still functioning properly. No answers, darling. At all.”—Anne Sexton, A Self-Portrait In Letters (via goghst)
“No one is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”—Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom (1995)
“Life is so damned hard. It just hurts people and hurts people, until finally it hurts them so that they can’t be hurt ever any more. That’s the last and worst thing it does.”—F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Beautiful and the Damned (via perfect)
Its been awhile since I had a really good vent session on here & now seems like a much needed time.
Tomorrow is December 5th, my dads birthday. He would’ve been 50 years old. He died November 24, 2013 couple weeks before his 49th birthday and I just think its so sad.
Back in August, I started to feel differently, I could sense, I was different, just how I was last August when I found out he was sick. This weirdness continued into September, October, November, and it is still here pushing at me, ruining me, making it hard for me to maintain relationships.
Carlos is getting the worst end of it all because its being channeled towards him. I spent all of April until Early September obsessing over him. Never wanting him to leave my side, never wanting him to go anywhere without me. And then, out of nowhere, I felt the need to push him away, to make him the problem when he wasn’t. He’s utterly perfect. Sweet as can be. He came into my life so unexpectedly, at a point where I wasnt even looking for anything, where I tried so hard to put all these walls around me, to never let a guy have any type of hold over me ever again, but he tore through all that. I told him I loved him in July, because I did love him, I know I did, then suddenly, the anniversary months of my father’s entire last few moments strolled around and suddenly it seemed wrong to love Carlos, it seemed like that wasnt what I wanted, that I shouldnt be with him, so we tried a small break, but I couldnt do it. I was a mess. I couldnt eat or sleep or talk, all I did was cry and cry and cry. I’ve never felt so much pain since a year ago when I found out my father died. So I told myself that it wasnt Carlos causing this, that this was between me and my father. So carlos said for us to take it day by day, and ever since thats what we’ve been doing, some days better than others. Some weeks I feel normal again and others I’m back to that same fucking distraught place.
And right now, Im in that place. I just wake up crying, scared, in a panic. Im letting my thoughts get the best of me. Im so afraid of ruining what Carlos and I have left because I want me and him to be endgame. Ive always wanted that. He was my first everything, he treats me better than any guy I’ve ever had feelings for, so I’d be stupid to mess that all up, so then why am I feeling this way. The doctor said it might just be the effect that these certain months have on me due to the fact that its finally been a year without my dad. That I’m reliving the painful process.
I hope everyday that is what it is. That as soon as these next december weeks pass by, that i’ll be okay again. That I can get back to my relationship, back to feeling alive. Im just going through the motions. Some days I feel so many things at once, others I feel nothing. Sometimes I feel like I miss my friends, other times I feel like I dont miss them at all. And thats not right, thats not me. Its even affecting my family relationships. Its like I feel absolutely nothing. I am so fucking numb. I hug my mother and I cant feel anything towards her. And that scares me. I have never felt more scared in my life than I do right now. Because what if this causes me to be alone, I always said I wouldnt mind, but its like I’m sitting here watching everyone move on with their lives and Im stuck, being that little sad girl who lost the one person she always wanted around no matter what the situation between them were. And if its not my dad, then what is it? Why am I in such a slump.
I miss the way I was.
Wheres the girl who was so in love with Carlos.
Wheres the girl who loved to go out with her friends.
Wheres the girl who tried so hard in school.
Wheres the girl who used to be able to write an entire ten chapters in one night.
Wheres the athlete.
Wheres the singer.
Wheres the voice that spoke up.
Where am I? Where the fuck have I gone? I keep trying to fight back, to keep going, but its getting so fucking hard. I just want to end it all sometimes, I feel so suffocated, and lost, and hurt, and like theres this weight pressing down on my chest and I dont know how to fix it.
How do I fix myself? What do I do? Where do I go?
I have all these incredible people in my life, and I just get stuck. Im watching them fall in love, be happy, acheive their goals, and I cant even feel happy for them because I’m miserable.
I used to be so different. I used to be the strong one, the one being admired, the one people came to for advice, the one people installed their trust in, and now its like Im nothing.
I feel left behind. But its ironic because I dont even feel like making an effort anymore.
My best friend is so happy in L.A, and making new friends, and enjoying ehr school, and I try to be happy for her, I try to miss her, I try to enjoy what we have when she comes back, but its different. I’m different.
Everyones different and I’m the same.
and I shouldnt be hurt by that, i shouldnt be upset because all I ever wanted was for them all to be happy and healthy,
but I’ve never hated myself, as much as I do now.
I wanna feel good again. I want Carlos to kiss me, and feel like its the best thing in the world. I wanna hug my friends and family and actually feel something when I hug them or see them for the first time in months. I want to feel happy when I get praised, or get credit for my handwork.
but thats not happening.
If this is what death does to a person, I wouldnt wish that upon anyone. Not even my worst enemy. I have never felt so unbelievably fucked up in my life.
Life just…it goes on, but I just dont want to.
I keep telling myself, that ten years from now, perhaps even five years from now, I’ll be happy, I’ll have it all.
It all just seems so far away.
I guess I just dont seem the point in waiting for it.
I wish everyday, that my dad will just appear beside me, tell me it’ll be okay, that i’ll be okay, that hes watching me everyday, that hes walking with me all the time, that he’ll stop the crying that erupts from me every single night.
I dont think thats to much to ask for.
Im angry with God, I can never admit that to anyone, but here I can because I needed to say it just once. I know I shouldn’t be angry with him, that death happens to all, but I just can not accept that. At least right now. My faith has been gone for awhile, because my anger has taken over.